The Power of Love

Love is the best antidepressant—but many of our ideas about it are wrong. The less love you have, the more depressed you are likely to feel.

    Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.
     It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.
    There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.
   Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.
   One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.
It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.

• Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.
• Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.
• Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.

There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the relationship.
You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.

• Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing enough self-care.
• Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to do in love.
• Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality.
• Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.

    Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk back to it. "I'm not really being rejected, this isn't really evidence of inadequacy. I made a mistake." Or "this isn't about me, this is something I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn." When you reframe the situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective way and you can find and keep the love that you need.

What to Do If You Fall Out of Love

     Have you ever been in love? I believe most of us did. Even if you haven't, perhaps it will be good to give it a try. Some of us want to be in love simply because we have never been in a relationship before. Yet people who have their hearts broken tend to avoid love. Past negative experiences acts as a pull reason that makes you shrug away from affections. No matter which class you belong to, there is always room for change. Perhaps all you need is just a reason to convince yourself.
    So here it goes. People in love experience biological, psychological changes. Neurochemicals in our bodies are accountable for the pleasurable feeling we feel physically. You get those annoying racing heartbeats, sweaty palms, even stutter as you speak. You just wished at times love can just be more straightforward. People fall in and out of love as a normal part of human life.
    But it's just not as simple as it seems. Getting over a broken heart is one of the most tormenting emotional pains. Your body, mind and soul disintegrate irrevocably. You need ample time to heal and get back on your feet again. But only God knows how long every person needs to recover. Furthermore, most people get jitters when it comes to accepting and embracing love again. This is evidently true especially if you have been hurt terribly by the previous attempt.
     Here are some pointers you may want to consider. Acknowledge failed relationships. We are not born to be perfect. There is no harm in acknowledging your failures. As humans, we make mistakes and misjudge others. Do not let facts defeat you. Admitting you are out of love is admirable encourage. Make full use of your free time to recharge and recover. Prepare yourself for the next potential person that comes along.
     Face the facts and move on, no matter how difficult it may sound. You shed tears almost every night thinking no one in this world understands how you broken-hearted you are. Think again. It doesn't pay to waste your precious emotions over someone who is not worth the effort. Reserve your very best for the special person in your life. Most of us probably ponder when that may happen. Fact remains unknown. The destiny of love remains a mystery for those who are willing to give themselves a chance in exploring it.
      Believe in love again. This is the best thing you can do. Believe in yourself that you can find love again. This requires utmost conviction from yourself and your partner. Remember true love comprises of faith, trust and companionship. Incredible it may sound, there is always a special person waiting for you. Even if that means he or she is at the other end of the earth. But so long as the person exists, there is always hope that eventually two of you will end up with each other. Now isn't this very comforting to hear? When you are in love, nothing is impossible. So stay in love.

Some Principles of Keeping Love Alive…

      I am sometimes really frustrated that the education system today does not prepare us for what it TRULY takes to make a romantic relationship work in the long-term. I wish that I had known some of these principles before I got married. Unfortunately I had to make all the mistakes before I learnt all of these lessons for the future. I had to develop some compassion for myself because I really didn’t have the insights I have today back when I actually needed them. I am therefore committed to keep mastering the principles of keeping love alive, not only to ensure that my clients benefit from all this wisdom but that I ensure my own future happiness in my relationship.
In your next relationship, keep some principles in mind to assist you in keeping love alive. These are tips I have put together after reading 27 books on the topic, interviewing experts and from my own personal experience in working with couples.
1: Let him win at loving you

This is a lesson I learnt the hard way. I had to own up to the fact that I never let my ex-husband win at loving me. I spent most of the time playing hard to get, difficult, dramatic or testing him. Your man needs to feel that by simply being around you, he can make you happy and that you’re at peace and fully satisfied in his company. This is why an overly-critical woman can make her man feel he’s failed at loving her. He’ll withdraw his affection and love in return. He may even say things like, “I can’t win”. Ask yourself, “Have I let him feel he can always win at loving me?” This is a crucial lesson for keeping love alive. When you come home and you’re feeling grumpy, ensure your man knows he is amazing and that he makes you very happy and that your moods have nothing to do with him.

2: Maintain the polarity of your relationship
The feminine essence is: Loving, caring, spontaneous, crazy, unpredictable, free, fun, mental, dramatic, turbulent, shrieking at the sight of a mouse/spider/creature with more legs than yourself, outspoken, honest, vulnerable, raw, carefree, real, weepy, emotional, a hurricane, self-expressed, creative, chatty, babbling and making no sense, cooking, loud, noisy, peaceful, sexy, goddess-like, mysterious, a dancing nymph,
wanting to be comforted, nurtured, supported and loved. The feminine essence is not: controlling, overly organized, bossy, nagging, changing light bulbs (even if she is perfectly capable of doing so), killing snakes, doing manly chores that require power tools, silent, talking about her emotions instead of
feeling them, too intellectual, so damn independent that a man will sense she doesn’t need him (sadly, he will be right). Focus on remembering these points whenever you feel your man slipping away from you. Step back into your feminine essence and he will come straight back to you.
3: Maintain separateness and move to your own rhythm
      It was Sherry Argov who distinguished that ‘men equate longing with love.’ If you do everything together, there will be no opportunity for your man to experience any longing for you. So, don’t jump through hoops for him. Don’t suffocate him by always wanting to be where he is or checking up on him. If he texts you, don’t respond immediately if you are busy with something else. Wait a little while until you have completed what you were doing before texting him back. If you get home and see there is a message from him, wait until you’ve settled in, made a cup of tea, had a bath or dinner, or anything else you want to do before checking the message.
NOTE: To keep sexual chemistry alive in your relationship, remain feminine in your relationship and true to your feminine essence. Allow your
man to be the man in your life.
4: When he disappears on you, focus on making yourself happy
      Men disappear from time to time and as author John Gray stated in ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.’ They do go into their caves from time to time. It’s a basic need and one that too many women don’t understand. When he disappears, he’s usually still physically present, but emotionally distant and distracted. At these times, dig deep, practice the Worry Buster exercise on Day 17 of the naked divorce programme and reassure yourself that this is a test. He is testing your reactions. Our natural instinct is to want to know why. We’ll want to know if there’s something wrong. No! No! No! This will drive him further into the cave.
You have to focus on making yourself happy. Organize a dinner with your girlfriends. Play tennis. Go to the gym. Have a luxurious bath and pamper session. Whistle while you’re cooking dinner. Leave him be. Don’t question or enquire. Smile at him and give his hand a squeeze,
then walk away and go and be happy.
This will surprise him because men are used to women acting very clingy whenever they retreat into their caves. He will be concerned that your life does not revolve around him and that you seem happy without him doing anything. The hunter within him will return from his cave very fast to reclaim his woman, you’ll see!
Hope you enjoyed that, till next time!

Why Stay Stuck in an Unhappy Relationship?

    There are loads of reasons people give for staying in unhappy relationships. Here are a few of the most popular: I made a commitment, if I leave it will break my partners heart, I can't afford to leave, it will hurt my children, and, my favorite, if I leave how do I know I'll find something better. Do any of these excuses sound familiar to you? if so, then read on.
    If you are unhappy in your relationship, there are 3 alternatives. First, keep the status quo. Do nothing. Continue to be miserable, make your family miserable by extension, and spiral downward into depression, despondency, or worst of all, emotional latency. Unfortunately, this is the path most often taken. Why? Because it seems easiest at the moment. It is hard work to reverse a bad relationship and if things have gone on long enough, you may not even have the will to work on it. There is a point of no return in which you just 'even care. If you are in this category, you are doing yourself and everyone around you a disservice by "hanging in there." You lack joie de vivre, your partner is robbed of a loving relationship, your kids have half a parent. You may think you are being noble and self-sacrificing by staying in such a situation, but isn't that really just an excuse for fear and uncertainty?
     The second alternative is to repair the relationship. Notice I did not say to try to repair it. There is no room for try if you commit yourself to this path. You simply fix your mind to do it. The trick is that your partner has to be in the same frame of mind, from the heart, 100% committed to fixing, compromising and finding new strategies of living. This path requires that both partners make some real change. Change that will be permanent. While this is the most challenging of the alternatives, it can also be the most rewarding, but only if both partners are fully committed to it.
     Unfortunately, here is the scenario that occurs too many times. You, the unhappy party will complain of being unhappy and maybe even threaten to leave if things don't change. Your partner will promise to change and does, in fact, make some changes. Things seem to be better for a few weeks, but then the old habits and behaviors start to reemerge. You are back to where you were in the first place, only now you have lost time and energy. This happens because your partner is not committed from the heart; s/he just wanted to shut you up for awhile. At this point you may give up and return to the first category and do nothing, or you might repeat this scenario, over and over. Either way, you are headed for that emotional downward spiral.
     The final alternative is to end the relationship. This is where the excuses kick in. It is hard to end a relationship. That does not mean that it is not the best thing to do, for everyone concerned. If you are in a state of constant bickering or outright fighting, unhappiness and depression, you are not being noble by staying in your committed relationship. You are harming your kids, yourself, your partner and other people around you. You are not teaching your kids what a good relationship is, you are cheating yourself out of a rewarding life and you are even preventing your partner from moving on to something better (even though s/he may not have the wisdom to see it).
    The trick is to overcome the fears you have so that you can move forward. Sometimes people find the inner strength to do this on their own. Things become so bad, it becomes a matter of survival. Other times you may need help to get started or someone to talk to in order to set goals and be accountable to.
    People will often turn to a therapist for relationship difficulties. However, therapy is designed for people with mental illness and often focuses on the past. If you are looking for new strategies to build and renew your relationship, or if you are stuck and cannot move out of your relationship, you might benefit from coaching. Coaching is uniquely positioned to help people move forward by setting goals, overcoming fears, changing perspectives and achieving success. Coaching does not look backward. Coaching is a forward moving process that will get you on a path to a new life.

Staying in unhappy Marriages

      There are several couples who stay in their marriages even if they are not happy because of several reasons. Three years back a billboard proclaiming "Life's short. Get a divorce" by a Chicago Divorce Lawyers Firm caused enough of an uproar and criticism from all over. But the legal firm made no apologies saying the ad isn't for everyone, but instead targets couples looking for a way out of a bad marital situation. Honestly, I see nothing wrong in people opting out of an unhappy marriage when there is no hope of salvaging the relationship. I believe that marriages are forever. At the same time I think once a relationship is broken no amount of mending can make it the same again.

           People’s outlook on Divorce is changing these days. One of my friends who recently got divorced even threw a Divorce Party. I have personally witnessed some of my friends who were divorced from their miserable first marriages find a very contented and happy second marriage. I also was surprised to see Divorce greeting cards a few months ago when I was looking for a suitable online greeting card for one of my friend’s marriage. Given below are ten Reasons why people stay glued to their unhappy marriages.

Reasons to stay in an Unhappy Relationship

Here are 10 Reasons why some people stay in their unhappy and miserable marriages.

1) For Kids: Children are the worst sufferers when it comes to divorces. Many parents just stay in their unhappy marriages as they love their kids and would not want to cause any harm to them.

2) Money and Perks: Some Woman tends to stay in their marriages because of the comforts and perks they get in the husbands house. The same applies for a man who survives mostly on his wife’s income.

3) Low Self Esteem: Some has low self esteem, doesn't know his/her worth and doesn't realize he/she can do better. Many even lose hope of ever being happy.

4) Do not want to be like the Parents : Several people try to make their unhappy marriage work because they do not want to be like their Parents who have a history of Divorces and have personally suffered the consequences of their actions.

5) Society and Religion: People getting divorced are looked down by the society and some religions. So many pretend that they have a happy marriage even if they are suffering.

6) Guilt : Those who have opted for love marriages normally do not have the support of their parents when things turn sour as they themselves are blame for their own plight and are ashamed of their bad choice. So many of them try to make their relationship work or stay in their unhappy relationships to prove to themselves and their parents that their choice was not wrong and that they are happy with their choices.

7) Loneliness: Many people stay in their unhappy marriages as they are lonely and have no parents or friends to turn to and find security in their marriage even though they are not happy.

8) Property : Some people stay together as they have accumulate wealth together like a house or business or even a pet dog which both are attached to and would not want to give them up for any reason.

9) Freedom to live independent lives: Some couples come to an agreement or compromise on both living life the way they wanted like the husband can spend time with his girlfriend and the wife can spend time with her boyfriend but stay together under the same roof and remaining a happy couple to the outside World.

10) Been forced to stay together: Sometimes couples are forced to stay together because of society pressures and pressures of parents or relatives who are worried about their reputation than two unhappy people.

Whatever the reasons, is it worth staying in an unhappy marriage? Personally I have witnessed many unhappy relationships and people are trying to make it work. I can't imagine them of living a miserable life for so many years trying to make it work. Why do people try so hard to make a failing relationship work when all the love is lost? Why not just leave and find the right person or try living a better life? After all, Life is too short to spend being miserable and it is better to accept it and move on.